connect shan

Our names was given with gifted powers. Sometimes it takes nearly half a lifetime to understand what has been given.

My name is Shan 姗, which means “belatedly arrived.” This meaning comes with the experiences I share with many others as well. It does not entirely describe how late we arrive at meetings or appointments. In fact, I am often on time, except for the time I was born 10 days past the due date and around 30 minutes late on the first date I met my husband. Hmmm, there may be a couple more instances, that will come to mind later.

Through many conversations I had with others, by connecting the dots from our early adulthood, we recall the memories of whenever we learned or did something new, the progress was that a few fast learners moved far ahead in a short time, but some of us were slow, some slower. 

Metaphorically speaking, it felt like being afraid that others might not want to be with us because we were slow or not so smart, and the shame of being the “weak” one was a bit like a wounded bird fall in a wetland, stuck in the swamp. The more we tried to get out, the deeper we sank, soaked in sorrow and playing small.

Coaching pulled me out of that muddy space, and then I learned how to pull others out. Somehow, the desire to be accepted traveled us to the forest, a wild space with many unknowns. We continue circling with the new lesson of how to differentiate ‘when and what is about me’, and when or what is not. Feeling safe but not always secure, with the frustration of not knowing where to belong, often buried many of us in the dark, with nowhere to go, and no place to hide.

Until we finally fell into grief for what we lost, we began to see the beauty of the wetland and the forest. They are teeming with life and vibrant ecosystems. Water and tree leaves sparkle under the sun. The mix of light and shadow paints endless landscapes, reflecting the balance of nature.

I have been reminded recently of my name Shan, which shares the same pronunciation as 善 (shan). When this single character stands alone, it means kindness and virtue. When connected with other words, it leads to the meaning of being expert in or satisfactory. I am very grateful for this moment to connect with Shan, as well as the expanded range of meaning about Shan.

In case you are one of us, feeling slow…please take your time, and most importantly, take good care of yourself. I will leave you with this beautiful poem written by David Wagoner – The Lost:

Stand still.
The trees ahead and bushes beside you, you are not lost.
Wherever you are is called HERE.

And you must treat it as a powerful stranger.
You must ask permission to know it and be known.

The forest breathes. Listen. It answers,
“I have made this place around you.
If you leave it, you may come back again, saying HERE.”

No two trees are the same to Raven.
No two branches are the same to Wren.
If what a tree or a bush does is lost on you,
You are surely lost.

Stand still. The forest knows where you are,
You must let it find you.
— David Wagoner (1999)